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<h3>A self help guide to avoiding self help guides</h3>
 
Self help programmes have always been bad but now they are all over the internet as well. 
 
"I was deeply pathetic until I learned the power of speed reading/holistic brain surgery/masturbatory hypnosis/insert steaming load here" 
 
What astounds me is that people sign up and pay for these things. How dumb do you need to be not to be able to spot these things as the scams they patently are? 
 
"You're just being cynical" 
 
Yup, damn f*cking straight and that's step 1 in my guide to a better you! 
 
1. You can never be too cynical. 
There is always some callous git waiting to take advantage of the cynicism deficient, usually on your own doorstep. If you look honest and trusting or you're over 70, start taking bile supplements or something. Practise the phrases 'get a proper job, loser' and 'stick your clipboard up your arse and f*ck off while you're doing it.' 
 
2. Punch anyone that offers to make you rich. 
If they email you the offer, send them a reply with the entire works of Shakespear attached. If you can find their postal address, write 'NO' on an A4 sheet of card in your own filth and send it recorded. If they know how to make people rich why are they wasting time talking to you when they could be elsewhere snorting coke off a Philipino girl's arsecheeks? 
 
3. Hang up on cold callers, and slam the door on salesmen 
You might feel bad at first but think about it, you wont be the first to do it today and you'll probably not be the last. F*ck em, they either get used to being treated like the bottom dwelling scum they are or they get a proper job. Natural selection at work. 
 
4. There is no such thing as luck 
Luck is not a magic force and if you hang around waiting for it to happen to you instead of working towards something you've got a life as a Meths connoisseur ahead of you. 
 
5. Don't buy anything from an advert that proudly states 'Not available in stores' 
Cos there's a reason for that. They could rephrase that to 'Not even Wilko's would give it shelf space' 
 
6. The inner you is not and never f*cking was lost 
Find the inner you...He's right there - look, he's reading this right now. In a second he's going to scratch something and think about beer. 
 
Finding the inner you is not like finding Superman inside Clark Kent. It's probably more like finding The Elephant Man inside Rush Limbaugh, that's more the margin of difference we're talking about. Very. F*cking. Slight. 
 
By now you should be well on the way to a better, less gullible you. If not, you can always buy my next book entitled 'I Know Why Everyone Hates You (and I kinda see their point)'. 
Author Info
 
Homer Thompson writes articles and lengthy rants for http://www.rantdump.com 
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